Growing Apart From Friends With Grace by SBGC Guest Contributor Jade Scott

Having healthy relationships is vital for our mental health. They help reduce stress, give us a safe place to be our authentic selves, and provide a solid foundation for us to build the rest of our life on. An excellent relationship even has the ability to motivate us and push us toward our highest self.

Although they may not receive as much spotlight as romantic or familial relationships, these bonds are some of the most important connections we will make. Plutonic friendship is particularly special because they are the people we voluntarily chose to spend time with without expecting much in return. Our friends are the people who see us at our lowest and are frequently the people who know us best.

“To know there are people who care about you and who will carry you if you’re unable to take care of yourself gives a huge sense of security. A community provides a sense of identity and purpose, too.” —Carlin Flora

Humans are social creatures at our core, and no amount of evolution will change the fact that we need these connections to survive. According to Psychiatrist Amir Levine, “Social connections are the most powerful way for us to regulate our emotional distress.” To make it plain adulthood is hard as hell, and we need our friends to help us make sense of it or to at least offer to come over and binge watch Netflix while we avoid it.

I’ve never had trouble making friends. I have had plenty of close friends in my life-time. I have tons of college friends, work friends, and even a few friends from middle school that I’ve visited in the past year. However, as time passes, communication has become few and far between and sitting down with them, face-to-face has become pretty much impossible.

So how do we manage when our close friends become more like strangers to us?

As members of the twenty-plus club, many of us are married with children or are fiercely chasing our dreams. Focusing on our own lives does not have to be a death sentence for our relationships. However, it’s common for growing-up also to mean growing out of some of these bonds.

Understand The Seasons

We all have different friends for different stuff. Just like we have friends for different things, we also have friends for different points in our lives. Maybe at one point in your life, you went to the club religiously, or you once spent all your free time in the gym, but now your schedule doesn’t allow for it. It makes sense that you may drift away from the friends who did those things with you.

As young to not-so-young adults, we are constantly shedding our skin to become better versions of ourselves when you’re growing at a rapid rate, its reasonable to be on different pages than our loved ones.

When this happens, we need to be acutely aware of our mindset. It’s easy to feel like your friends are the ones who need to level-up. This narrative saturates our news feeds on social media and is gobbled up because it makes us feel superior. In reality, it is a mask to hide our feelings of rejection.

Everything is always growing and changing, and the idea that others have to keep up with our growth is kind of silly. Growth is not linear. Everyone has their path, and just because your friends’ paths no longer line up with yours doesn’t make them or you less than. The goal is to let this idea go and with it the desire to hold your friends so close. It is ok to let each other breath. The people who are meant to be in your life will always find their way back to you. Just like the changing of seasons, this is inevitable. Sometimes the best thing to do is bundle up and wait patiently for spring.

Keep It 100

Stepping out into the adult world is scary for anyone; it’s even more frightening when you don’t feel supported by the people who once knew you the best.

We can feel when our relationships begin to lose their luster. It becomes harder to relate; the conversations don’t flow like they once did, and sometimes things are just outright awkward. If this is the case, transparency is critical. Nothing is worse than that friend who always makes plans to hang out or talk but ends up busy when the time arrives. This doesn’t always mean that the love is lost. But if you aren’t feeling it for whatever reason being transparent is the most respectful option.

Realize you can not control the responses of others and manipulating the situations by stringing them along is not something friends should do to each other. Do the work and figure out why the relationship isn’t working for you and communicate it with love.

Love Unconditionally

Like anything worth doing, this is easier said than done. We have to train ourselves to let go of expectations within our friendships.
Learning to navigate our relationships is apart of the human experience, and there is a lesson in it.

I firmly believe this lesson is how to love unconditionally. Friendships are built on intimacy and thrive when we put ourselves out there and are received with open arms. Being a good friend means understanding what the other person needs, whether we agree with it our not, and doing our best to support them.

“No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.” – Alice Walker

Growing up and growing apart isn’t the end of the world. We expect our friends to always be there for us no matter what. We demand twenty-four-seven commitment, loyalty, and compassion. However, friendship is about to give and take. Sometimes the best thing we can do for someone we love is to provide them with space to grow.

Friendships are tricky, and the sad truth is they aren’t always for a life-time., but there are beautiful things that can come from accepting the new forms our relationships take.