February 13, 2024
by Khadi A. Oluwatoyin
It is very easy to get lost in the people, places and things we perceive to bring us pleasure and reward. This is especially true when we are experiencing emotional turmoil, discomfort or hardship.
During my addiction and for some time after, I used romantic partners and prospects to call the shots in almost every aspect of my life. It was a method I used to escape my reality. I curated my day based on their suggestions, likes and dislikes. I projected my needs and allowed my feelings to be influenced by theirs. When they were in a good mood, I was in a good mood. When they were in a not so good mood, I followed suit.
I didn’t know it then but I was afraid to take responsibility for my life. Jaded by past experiences, I thought I couldn’t “adult” correctly and believed that anyone, but myself (and parents), were in a better position to live my life.
I am drawn to people who are bold, assertive and creative – all characteristics I had identified with until then. And because I no longer felt confident or like a main character, I picked partners who were and lived vicariously through them.
Ultimately, through therapy, self-help books and group meetings I had to come home to myself and reclaim my assertive nature and spontaneous groove. I realized that I am attracted to leaders because I am a leader. Though my life was in shambles, I possessed the strength and authority to fix it. No one was going to save me. If I was unsatisfied with the trajectory of my life, I was going to have to take actionable steps to move it in a direction I was happy with. As long as I expected someone to complete me, I would continue to feel victimized by my current situation. It took me a while but I finally understood that people are placed in our lives so that we can create experiences with them, not escape through them.
I recently reentered the dating scene after almost five years of being single. The long hiatus is partly due to the cloudy and unbalanced dating pool, but also because I’m afraid of losing myself in romantic relationships again. I am no stranger to escapism and I was born under a Cancer sun – I love to please and nurture those I care about.
However, the hope, this time around, is that I remember all of the lessons I have learned and remain mindful of the role I play in my life and the role(s) I allow others to assume. I want to build connections based on mutual interest, authenticity, understanding and love – not lack and desperation. Here are some tips and tools I am grateful to understand the importance of and plan to use in future romantic endeavors.
Staying Present
By staying present we are able to enjoy shared experiences, create new memories and release past regret and future anxieties. If negative thoughts creep in, counteract them with positive affirmations. Repeat phrases such as “It will workout better than I could ever imagine”, “I am worthy of love,” or “I am enough” to challenge and replace negative self-talk.
You can also counteract negative thoughts with the truth. Think of a past or existing healthy connection you have with someone. Remind yourself that if you were able to create such a bond back then, you are more than capable of establishing an even greater one today. You have done so much work to get where you are. You are prepared!
Actively Listening
Being mindful in love requires active listening. Rather than just listening to respond, we listen to understand underlying beliefs, ambitions and needs. This will help decipher if compatibility actually exists or if we are just going with the flow. This practice also sets aside distractions and ego-driven responses when disagreements arise.
Practicing Gratitude
Being mindful in love invites us to cultivate gratitude for the distinct attributes our partners and love interests bring in our lives. Rather than experiencing life through them, we experience it with them, appreciating the impact they have on our well-being.
Respecting Boundaries
The practice of mindfulness in love also involves respecting our partner’s boundaries as well as our own. We recognize our individuality, unique needs and limits, and strive to respect, support and honor them.
In recovery, being mindful in love allows us to experience deep, genuine connection while keeping our authenticity intact. In most cases, if you have struggled with substance misuse or addiction, you have used your substance of choice to reconcile your hopes and dreams with your reality. Even if you are not exactly where you want to be today, no gal, pal or person is worth the progress you have made to live a life you don’t need to escape from.
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