February 22, 2023
by Khadi A. Oluwatoyin
The hair salon is the perfect place to discuss fashion trends, politics, celebrity news, and … sobriety.
My earliest memories of getting my hair done take place when I was about nine or ten years old. My mom didn’t know how to do flat twists or cornrows, so she typically styled my hair in single braids with rubber bands or barrettes at the tips.
I can’t tell you my hair type, but my hair has always defined gravity. No matter the size of the braid or shape of the part, my braids would never lay flat. They stuck up, facing the sky, like the hair on the Cynthia doll in the 90s animation Rugrats.
My mom did the best she could when it came to my hair and, on some occasions, even paid a more advanced braider to do it. Still, when I think about my relationship with my hair during my earlier years, feelings of embarrassment and hopelessness come to mind. When I was finally old enough to earn my own money and use public transportation, I started going to the hair salon.
Whether I was at the local salon getting a wash and set for $15 or an African hair braiding shop getting box braids, I loved getting my hair professionally done. It made me feel special. It also made me feel like I was a part of something bigger than myself.
On any given visit, I could hear chatter about something wild Wendy Williams said in her purple chair during her morning talk show or about Judge Mathis and his obsession with the word “crackhead.” I recall debates about sagging pants, racism, and the likelihood of a future with no discrimination. I listened to women talk about how to keep a man and when to kick him to the curb. As a child, my role was to pretend like I wasn’t listening. School was usually the topic of the few conversations I was invited to participate in. I was often encouraged to focus on getting an education and given unsolicited advice about tattoos and piercings.
Unsurprisingly, I took a hiatus from the salon when we were ordered to quarantine due to the Covid-19 pandemic in 2020. I kept my hair shaved or under a wig for about two years. 2022 marked the beginning of my return to salons.
My last appointment is one I will never forget.
I recently visited a hair salon I had never been to before. I made an impromptu decision to get my hair washed, trimmed, and braided before the week began. They were the only salon in my area with a Google 4+ rating and an opening for the following day.
I arrived at my appointment without having my morning coffee and instantly regretted it. My hairdresser was nice but talkative. As soon as I told her who I was, she explained, in great detail, the steps and process involved for the style I wanted and walked me over to the washing station. While washing my hair, she gloated over the products she was using. Feeling tired and unmotivated, I couldn’t keep up with what she was saying. I just stared into space like a deer caught in headlights.
“Do you mind if I order coffee and have it delivered here”?, I asked her. “Sure,” she responded. Without coffee, I knew I wouldn’t be able to get through my appointment without appearing rude and antisocial. Save your judgments about my relationship with coffee. I have given up drugs and booze. The coffee is staying.
My coffee delivery came right on time. My hair had been washed, conditioned, and blow-dried, and I was now in the chair getting my hair braided. A couple of sips in, my stylist asked me about the hoodie I was wearing.
I told her that it said Sober Black Girls Club and that that was the name of the nonprofit I founded. I knew what her next question would be and contemplated, for a brief moment, whether or not I wanted to tell this woman I had just met about the most difficult time of my life.
I decided I did and began revealing to her how I fell into addiction a year after graduating from law school and how, even though my addiction was hands down the most painful experience of my life, the outcome has been life-changing and beautiful. I now see myself and my relationships with family and friends in a new light. I am clear about the values and beliefs I want to practice and the kind of world I want to leave for those arriving after I am long gone.
I explained to her that my life over the last five years has been a journey of discovering, waiting, unlearning, and relearning, and I finally feel confident about myself and my purpose now. She shared that she is currently in her discovery stage, and we talked about what that looked like for her.
The owner of the salon, who was doing another client’s hair a few feet away from where I was sitting, chimed in. We discussed how she and her family sometimes replace alcoholic beverages with mocktails, and we agreed about how important it was to talk with each other about our struggles with substances and mental illness.
We then spent the next hour or so talking about my favorite subject in the world. You guessed it – astrology. We talked about our sun, moon, and rising signs, and I even got them to purchase my favorite astrology book in the world – You Were Born for This: Astrology for Radical Self-Acceptance.
This visit to the hair salon was one I will never forget. I found it to be similar in some ways to getting my hair done when I was younger, but it was also quite different. Among other things, I am now old enough to engage in “grown folks business” rather than just listen.
Back in the day, I hardly heard the women around me talk about their mental health and overall well-being in and out of the salon, but that was not the case this time around. We shared freely about our pasts, where we are now, and our hopes for the future. I didn’t feel ashamed or judged. It felt like I had known these women for years.
No matter the differences in experience, it is clear that the salon will forever be a place for women, especially Black women, to let our hair down, share what is on our hearts, and speak our minds – sobriety, recovery, and wellness included.
